Le Blog de Doruk Akan

As befits a rising superpower (or perhaps one that has already risen), China is in the news a lot. First there was the brief spike in sympathy for Tibet during the Olympic torch run. That died down quick, didn’t it? Then there was the huge earthquake that showed that China, no matter their human rights record, responds to natural disaster more quickly and with greater effectiveness than FEMA. Don’t forget about China’s undervalued currency, China and Taiwan reaching out to each other and China devouring natural resources faster than a forest fire. And, finally, there’s China and Africa.

A friend from work sent along this article that shows that the Chinese presence in Africa goes beyond a dubious relationship with Sudan’s murderous dictatorship. He also suggested that rampant Chinese theft of intellectual property may salve some of the wounds British (and by extension Western) colonialists created a century ago. Perhaps. But I believe the true motivation and aims of the Chinese are beyond us. The West and China will never be able to work in unity and one of the main reasons is that the Chinese mind is so alien to us in the West (and ours to them). Whatever their motivation, in a global economy, China has all the advantages in the race to become the preeminent superpower and she doesn’t seem to want to make friends along the way.

The article also solidifies my belief that Africa is irreparably screwed. The joys of throwing off the yokes of colonial overlords have long been forgotten to be replaced by what may be an even worse situation. The plight of the common man in Zimbabwe and Darfur is well-known but what of the rest of the continent? Is there a single success story in Africa? Somalia - once in the forefront of the American conscience because of a military presence there - is in constant civil war. The Congo has been in a never-ending state of conflict for decades. And South Africa, where men like Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu inspired the world, is spiraling into ever deepening depths of poverty and violence while lesser petty men like Thabo Mbeki and Jacob Zuma vie for power.

There has been a current of thought throughout history that Africans are simply inferior humans (in fact, James Watson sullied his considerable reputation by suggesting as much not too long ago). That’s hogwash. Africa lacks stability and part of that comes from leaders more worried about making money and raping their people rather than leading. It’s no different than many areas around the world - the only difference is that the entire continent, one that happens to be rich with natural resources, is saturated with dictators. China is a new player in the African game but the rest of the world bears much blame as well. Disease - especially AIDS - ravages the continent as much as man-made causes of death and I can’t help but think the West, especially the United States, could have done more. All the money in the world means nothing if it comes with religious strings attached.

China, however, is taking colonialism and exploitation to such a level that historians will have to coin a new phrase for it. I can’t help but think the situation is now hopeless. It reminds me of a grotesque fantastical creature sucking the life out of its victim, leaving a lifeless husk when it’s had its fill - like Ungoliant from the Silmarillion or ‘IT’ from a Wrinkle in Time. Will the rest of the world do anything? At some point, the West (or someone else in the East) will have to respond to China’s shameless pillaging of Africa. Hopefully, this won’t lead toward a new sort of Cold War - with Africa as the wasteland that gets caught in the crossfire. Unfortunately, the supply of hope is dwindling fast in Africa.

I’ve never enjoyed poetry that much and haiku, despite its mathematical intricacies, shares the same fate as its Western counterpart. But I’ve always loved this particular piece. I got it from a Richard Feynman book back in the day an a Google search indicates its a greeting card staple.

The world? Moonlit
Drops shaken
From the crane’s bill.

- Dogen (1200-1253)

This is one of my favorite dunks. Scottie Pippen disrespects Patrick “You’ll never win a championship when I’m your main guy” Ewing by dunking in his face and sending him to the floor. But Pippen caps the episode brilliantly by jawing at Spike Lee. The Knicks would win the series (no Jordan that year) but Pippen can have the last laugh by raising two middle fingers (and up to four more fingers) adorned with championship rings.

Every sports story is bound to annoy at least one person. Here are some recent stories that have rolled the old eyeballs or had me changing the channel immediately. The (very boring) Celtics won the NBA title by beating the Lakers, my favorite team. Tiger Woods won some golf tournament with a hurt knee. Congratulations, a golfer actually acted like an athlete. A horse broke its legs on the track because its owners pumped it full of chemicals. Then there’s Brett Favre.

I’ve been sick of the Brett Favre partay ever since the game after his father died (more on that below). I have nothing against his play on the field. People say he was one of the greats in his prime (I wasn’t into football yet back then), he puts up great fantasy numbers (because interceptions are weakly punished) and can make a game entertaining because of boneheaded decisions. It’s the way the press and the public seem to worship the man that rubs my tummy the wrong way.

Great athletes are given undue leniency all the time. Michael Jordan, despite trying baseball for two years and an ill-fated comeback (during which he was actually pretty decent), has his reputation as G.O.A.T. (thanks LL Cool J!) intact. Everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten Ray Lewis’s (possible) involvement in a murder. And so on. Brett Favre is also unlikely to have his record smudged after his latest possible un-retirement. Most people probably still want him to play even though the dissenting voices are thankfully louder this time around.

Unlike Jordan and Lewis and most other flawed athletes, Favre’s actions are widely destructive. He’s holding a franchise hostage and displaying the type of selfish behavior that usually turns public opinion strongly against an athlete. Instead, we hear that for some reason he’s earned the right to make his decision how and when he wants to make it. That’s a load of bullshit. No one earns the right to continually string along his employers, his teammates and his fans for an extended period of time. When I think about Brett Favre, I can’t help but wonder how things would be different if he were black.

I think the answer is obvious. Forget about his current tomfoolery, he would have been crucified during his loafing at the beginning of last season. (Another question: would Mike Vick be in jail now if he were white?). Of course, he doesn’t walk away unscathed just because he’s white. Many white athletes would probably be crucified as well. My theory is that all black athletes would lose in the court of public opinion (this theory will be tested in a few years when LeBron walks away from the Cavs). Compare Favre’s recent conduct to the media lynching Randy Moss received for being “selfish” when he walked off the field with a couple seconds left in an unwinnable game. Or the circus that ensued during Terrell Owens’ holdout with the Philadelphia Eagles. Favre’s conduct is, in my opinion, ten times worse than either of the wide receivers’.

Two Brett Favre incidents that stick out in my mind. Remember when Brett Favre criticized Javon Walker for holding out? In many circles, Favre was held to be the correct party. But the truth was that Walker was grossly underpaid (relative to his position and performance) and was completely justified in asking for more money. Favre will have financial security for the rest of his life because of fame but the playing years are the main earning years for guys like Javon Walker. While a true great athlete and teammate would have taken ownership to task, Favre targets the player.

The other incident is the game Favre played after his father died. The one where he cried and everyone cried with him. I’ll bet that game ends up on some top ten lists of greatest football moments on ESPN at the end of the decade. People talk about it as if it was a superhuman performance. While tragic (for Brett Favre personally, not for Chris Berman and John Madden and the rest of the country), it wasn’t superhuman. Here’s another great performance after a parent’s death story that for some reason didn’t get as much ink. Frank Gore’s mother (who raised him and his three siblings and various other family members on her own) died and within the week he scored twice in a winning effort. It’s athletes like Frank Gore (whose story is rather remarkable) that deserve praise and adulation, not one like Brett Favre.

And is McCain too ugly?

It seems that elections are turning into American Idol and I don’t blame the common voter. In truth, it doesn’t really makes a difference who wins this election. The stultifying political bureaucracy makes it impossible for a president to accomplish much of anything positive and the only burden on the voter is to avoid huge mistakes like the Bush presidency. Mess up once, shame on you. Mess up twice, shame on you. Mess up thrice, well, shame on you again. I don’t think either of the candidates would be disastrous so I, like most people, will be voting for specific reasons that have nothing to do with the problems plaguing the nation. But enough about me. Here are a couple of important issues to consider before you call in your vote.

For the asses, one of the most interesting Obama subplots is if Americans would be able to elect someone so different. I don’t just mean his race, I mean different in so many ways. He looks different, he acts different, his name is different, he associates with different people and he grew up in different places. It bears mentioning that Americans have been pretty vanilla with presidential elections. I wonder, is America multicultural enough to elect the first truly multicultural candidate? Actually, I prefer to call him the post-modern candidate because it sounds literary even it makes no sense. I have a hard time believing America is ready. It’s only been 230 years.

Meanwhile, for the elephants, one of the most interesting issues concerns McCain’s age and ugliness. The former is of legitimate concern but the Straight Talk Express, or however he fashions himself, seems hale enough. The latter was discussed in a fascinating Slate article about which candidate looks the worst on high-definition television. McCain takes that title easily. It’s unfortunate but he looks simply grotesque. I doubt it will make a difference in voters’ minds (after all Merkel is das fuhrer of Germany) but it’s still fun to ponder.

After a terrific first round, Euro 2008 is already one of the best international tournaments ever. Hopefully, the knockout rounds will continue the entertainment and drama. Goalkeepers have been beaten 57 times, a better than two-goal-a-game average with only a single goalless draw. Referees have been controversial as usual, attacking football has been rewarded and the atmosphere is tremendous even through a television an ocean away. Some awards are in order.

Best Team - The Netherlands

The Group of Death is a wonderful name for a group. It’s delightfully over-the-top and dramatic and you only see it in football tournaments. The Dutch put on a show to gain maximum points in the Group of Unending Terror.

Worst Team - Greece

Poland and Austria have a claim here but at least they entered the opposing team’s half. Defending champions Greece were pathetically negative and toothless. It was an embarrassing display and few outside or inside Greece are sorry to see them out of the tournament.

Most Surprising Team - The Netherlands

I got the Group of Lost Souls all wrong partly because the Dutch were such a pleasant surprise. After an unimpressive few years under Marco van Basten, the Dutch destroyed their opposition with little effort. I think they scored more in the first game against Italy than in their entire qualifying campaign.

Most Disappointing Team - France

Bon voyage to a team that many thought could win the tournament. The French may rue their luck with Ribery’s injury but in truth they were undone by an aging and uninspiring core and poor management. This team will require major plastic surgery.

Best Player - David Villa

Honestly, there hasn’t been a single man who has been the hands-down best of the tournament so the top scorer gets this award. He had a great hat-trick in the demolition of Russia and a brilliant solo effort to beat the Swedes at the death.

Most Disappointing Player - Mario Gomez/Luca Toni

The two most dangerous hitmen in the Bundesliga have been gunshy on the big stage. Gomez has been terrible and had the miss of the tournament. Toni has been given at least a dozen clear opportunities but has crapped the pie each time. By the way, Germany needs much more out of their forwards. Pundits are suggesting Schweinsteiger will replace Gomez, pushing Podolski to striker, but I think the better move would be giving Kevin Kuranyi a run.

Best Manager - Marco van Basten

Faced with injuries to key wingers, van Basten settled on a 4-2-3-1 (instead of the traditional 4-3-3) with two inexperienced holding midfielders. The strategy, combined with lightning-fast counter attacks, succeeded wildly against Italy. His masterstroke was introducing Robben and van Persie for defensive players while holding a lead against France. If the risk hadn’t paid off, there’d be another name here but then again the best managers also have the biggest balls.

Worst Manager - Raymond Domenech

His list of mistakes runs as long as the Maginot Line and his defense was breached just as easily. He stayed with the ancien regime and has been duly punished. Some of the mistakes off the top of my head:

Thuram and Gallas were the center backs. Govou started the second and third matches. Benzema was benched for the second match. Nasri barely got twenty minutes on the pitch. A left-back (Abidal) started as center back against Italy and, when he received a red card, the bumbling buffoon Boumsong replaced Nasri instead of Govou (or no one, a change wasn’t necessary in my opinion when chasing the game). Toulalan and Makelele played all 270 minutes together (no Diarra). Gomis was preferred to Benzema and Anelka in the second match as a substitute. Sagna, Flamini, ben Arfa and Mexes were left home. And so on. Conservative management has been punished in this tournament and so it went with France.

Best Game - Turkiye 3, Czech Republic 2

This is one I’ll always remember. The first half was actually kind of drab but the second half was breathless, breakneck football at its finest. Before the Czech scored their second, Koller had a clear breakaway (though it was obvious the lumbering oaf would miss) and after they scored, they had one come off the post. The Turkish comeback in the last fifteen minutes had it all: a budding superstar (Arda) beginning the flurry, unending pressure and dangerous crosses, an unbelievable gaffe by a world-class goalkeeper, a world-class finish minutes later, a dramatic goal-box scramble that came inches from equalizing and a position player wearing an inside-out goalkeeper shirt after a red card.

Worst Game - France 0, Romania 0

At least the games Poland and Greece played had goals. This was the type of match that turns casual fans off football. Thankfully, this was the only goalless game.

Best Goal - Wesley Sneijder against Italy

While my heart says Nihat’s winner and Sneijder’s effort against France was spectacular, the best goal so far has been the Netherlands’ second against Italy. Individual efforts fill the highlight reels but football is a team sport and the best goals are team goals (witness Brazil against Italy, 1970). This goal saw the Gio van Bronckhorst clear a sure goal off his own line before providing a wonderful cross-field pass to Kuyt, who cushioned it to Sneijder to take care of the rest.

Worst Goal - Ruud van Nistelrooy against Italy

It turns out the referees’ decision was technically right but for all the wrong reasons. I seriously doubt they even noticed Panucci was off the field, and, even if they did, I doubt they knew about the obscure implications of the offside rule and, even if they did, they should have ignored them. Well, at least it created controversy and fueled Italian conspiracy theorists, especially after a perfectly good goal was disallowed against Romania.

Best Trend - Positive football

Thus far, teams that attack have been rewarded with results. Save Italy, no team in the quarterfinals is a defensive team and even the Azurri have shown some entertaining attacking endeavor. The Greek triumph of four years ago is now only an evil spectre that haunts Arsene Wenger’s dreams, the boogieman in Rinus Michels’s closet and a vulgarity in Brazilian dictionaries.

Worst Trend - Fussy refereeing

I think that refereeing has been decent overall (despite all those blown offsides) but the fussiness of the men in the middle has been annoying. Except for american football, the testicular fortitude of athletes of all shapes and stripes has been on a steady decline and referees have done little to stem the loss of testosterone.

Weirdest moment - Austria/Germany

I was totally perplexed by the referee’s decision to send both the Austrian and German managers to the stands for constant bickering. It was a stupid decision. At least we were treated to a warm meeting between Germany manager Joachim Low and his supreme leader Angela Merkel. I love it when heads of state watch games in person.

Best Save - Gianluigi Buffon against Romania

The importance of Buffon’s brilliant penalty save was underlined by how results went for Italy and Romania in their third match. Sure, Mutu hit the shot terribly but Buffon still had it all to do. Besides changing the destiny of both teams, the save led to Mutu breaking down on the pitch. It’s always interesting watching a grown man run around the pitch like a four-year-old who’s been denied his ice cream. Still, we should congratulate him for holding back the tears - more than William Gallas did earlier this season for Arsenal.

Worst Save - Petr Cech against Turkiye

Someone mentioned on a podcast that Cech hasn’t been the same since getting kicked in the head and having to don that ridiculous cap. I agree. While still a terrific goalkeeper, Cech has been prone to errors since then (a match against Reading if I remember correctly) but his gaffe against Turkiye will haunt the dreams of a nation for years to come.

Best ESPN Commentator - Andy Gray

I didn’t have much hope after his repetitive and often daft commentary on the FIFA video games but he’s been a revelation in the broadcasting booth. He makes great points and is effusive in praise and disabuse. ESPN for once made a great decision in pairing Andy Gray with Derek Rae (who I think is a fine play-by-play man) for the Czech Rep. - Turkiye match.

Worst ESPN Commentator - Rece Davis

Isn’t this guy ESPN’s college basketball anchor? I have no idea why he’s anchoring the studio for this tournament when ESPN has a self-professed football nut in Bob Ley who would be perfect.

Best 11 of the First Round

(I probably should have a couple guys from Croatia but I unfortunately didn’t catch any of their games)

GK Arthur Boruc (Poland)

D Khalid Bhoularhouz (Netherlands), Dorin Goian (Romania), Fabio Grosso (Italy), Gio van Bronckhorst (Netherlands)

M Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal), Arda Turan (Turkey), Wesley Sneijder (Netherlands), Libor Sionko (Czech Republic)

F David Villa (Spain), Ruud van Nistelrooy (Netherlands)

There are six teams that are gambling favorites to win the tournament: Italy, Germany, France, Spain, Portugal and the Netherlands. But the beauty of the European Championships lies in the depth of the quality. Plenty of teams can shock and make life difficult for the so-called big boys. Another reason that I love the Euro tournaments is that rivalries - of both footballing and non-footballing origin - are more abundant than at a World Cup. In Group C, for example, France and Italy meet again after an explosive WC final and meeting twice in qualifying. Italy were triumphant in penalties in the World Cup to gain revenge for their Golden Goal reversal to the French in Euro 2000. Will either of them lift the trophy? The only thing we know for sure is that they won’t meet in the final match and that Zidane won’t be head-butting anyone.

GROUP C

World champions Italy headline the summer’s Group of Death as they attempt to win their third European Championship. They qualified from the same group as France but were pushed hard by Scotland. Still, their form as of late has been impressive, they have almost no weaknesses and I think the lack of Francesco Totti - a serial under-performer in his nation’s colors - will be a boon. Last time out they couldn’t make it out of the group stages (as Italians always do when they lose, they cried conspiracy). There’s no reason to believe history will repeat itself but I’ll make my shock prediction and say they finish third in the group.

Weaknesses: I may be clutching at straws here because the Italians seem to have no weaknesses. Still, I’m not excited about their midfield. Pirlo, from what I’ve heard, has been sub-par this year and the rest of their guys are more workman-like than creative.

Players to watch: If Italy make it out of the group stage, Luca Toni should win the Golden Boot for the tournament. He’s been in amazing form this year and scores at all the right moments. I’m interested to see if Alberto Aquilani gets some minutes in midfield and provides any creative spark.

While their run to the World Cup final, led by a resurgent Zinedine Zidane, surprised many, France enters this tournament as one of the firm favorites. The squad is packed with speed and skill, combining youthful exuberance with tried-and-true experience. Despite some dodgy selection decisions by manager Raymond Domenech, les Bleus have the talent to navigate this tough group with relative ease.

Weaknesses: If I were a French supporter, I would be worried about the center of defense with psychologically frail William Gallas, ancient wise man Lilian Thuram and bumbling Boumsong to choose from. I also hear Willy Sagnol is hurt on the right-side which shows how stupid it was to exclude Bacary Sagna.

Players to watch: Franck Ribery is the most exciting player in this tournament. The team revolves around his influence and he’s had a spectacular season so things are looking up for the French. I’m hoping Arsenal target Samir Nasri, supposed to be exciting in his own right, gets some kicks instead of the ho-hum Florent Malouda. Also, striker Karim Benzema has the chance to confirm he’s the real deal on the big stage.

The Netherlands have often been the favorites of the neutral fan but team discord has usually been their undoing. Now managed by the legendary Marco van Basten, the Oranje are solid and united but entertainment is as dead as the dinosaurs. The Dutch have qualified easily for the past two tournaments put disappointing results have done little to justify the stultifying style they have adopted. They have a difficult enough time getting results against minnows so I feel their match-ups in this group will be too much to overcome.

Weaknesses: Would you believe it’s in the attacking third? The Dutch have struggled to score all throughout qualifying. Babel is out with injury, van Persie can’t go the full 90, Robben is frail and odds are he’ll get injured (though I hope not) and only one of van Nistelrooy and Huntelaar can play at a time. That’s not a good.

Players to watch: Arjen Robben is a one-dimensional player but that one dimension is thrilling to watch. Robin van Persie is another exciting player - only if he’s fit of course. I’ve been hearing a lot about Ibrahim Afellay for a while. We’ll see if he gets a chance with all the question marks surrounding the attack.

Because the first three teams are such favorites, Romania must feel a little left out of the party. But this is a talented team that cruised through qualifying with a superior record against the Netherlands. They don’t quite match up to the great team of the 90s led by Hagi and gang, but I think they’re good enough to spring some surprises. Here’s my second shock prediction: they make it out of this group.

Weaknesses: My prediction is odd because I really don’t know much about the team beyond their results. I’ve read reports that the manager and players are worried about some poor form and that’s not a good sign ahead of such a tough group.

Players to watch: Adrian Mutu can flat-out score no matter where he plays. Kicked off Chelsea back in the day after testing positive for cocaine, Mutu has gained steam in the past couple of seasons and is coming off his best goals total of his career. Mutu’s striking partner Ciprian Marica is another guy to watch.

GROUP D

On paper, Spain has the most complete team in the tournament. They combine skill, speed and goalscoring prowess in attack with a steely defense and one of the finest goalkeepers in the world. Of course, the Spanish always have a strong team in paper but, well, they also always fail and fail early. Can they break the duck this time? With such a talented team, led by a terrific midfield, they’ll at least get out of their group.

Weaknesses: With such a tortured history in international tournaments, the Spanish have a frail psychology. It’s sort of strange talking about professional footballers’ collective psyche but it’s an issue that can’t be avoided. Their form in warm-up matches has been underwhelming as well, bringing up another problem: their inability to turn dominance of possession into goals.

Players to watch: The English press is all agog over Liverpool’s Fernando Torres but the truth is that David Villa is the superior and more exciting striker. Add the fact that he takes the free kicks and penalties for his team and it’s odd that Torres is the oddmakers’ favorite for golden boot. Cesc Fabregas - still only 21 - is a pleasure to watch and Andres Iniesta - though if he plays will be in an unnatural position on the wing - plays the beautiful game the right way.

During qualifying, Russia were in pole position to qualify but a lame effort in Israel saw them back their way into the competition courtesy of Croatia defeating England in London. Dutch manager Guus Hiddink is a master of the international tournament but the Russians have drawn a group that’s tougher than it looks. Russian football is on a high after Zenit St. Petersburg won the UEFA Cup - the second Russian triumph in that tournament in four years. Russia will challenge to reach the knockout rounds but I don’t see them making it.

Weaknesses: I don’t know much about the Russians beyond what I’ve read but their inability to succeed in Israel (although Israel is a tough opponent) shows they lack a killer instinct. Also, they may be missing their two best players, which won’t help matters.

Players to watch: If they actually get to play a meaningful match, Zenit duo Andrei Arshavin and Pavel Pogrebnyak will be attracting plenty of attention. The former, a slick play-maker, is suspended for two matches and the latter, a goalscoring dynamo, picked up an injury in the lead-ups.

Sweden is a mainstay in international tournaments but are almost certainly a lock to go out at the first knock-out round at the latest. I’m not expecting anything different this year. This particular squad depends too much on the old guard to do much damage in the tournament. Convincing the spectacular but incredibly old Henrik Larsson to reconsider international retirement for the fifteenth time does nothing but underline the lack of quality in the squad. I foresee an early exit for the Swedes.

Weaknesses: Besides age, lack of form for important players must concern Swedish fans. The attacking third may be a source of frustration. All the choices to pair Zlatan Ibrahimovic are solid at best while wingers Ljunberg and Wilhemsson have endured sub-par seasons.

Players to watch: I feel Zlatan Ibrahimovic is a little over-rated (not to mention he doesn’t perform too well for his country) but there are few players more entertaining to watch. He has great ball skills, a penchant for scoring spectacular goals, and throws some of the best tantrums in Europe. I’m not sure anyone else on their squad is worth watching although Henrik Larsson, if he gets the chance, always brings an extra element to the game.

By shocking Europe and the world, defending champions Greece have catapulted themselves into the football conscious. Failing to qualify for WC 2006, however, did nothing to disprove the theory that their triumph was nothing more than a cosmic fluke. However, underestimating this team would not be a good idea for opposing teams. After losing 4-1 at home to Turkey, they turned things around and stormed to the top in their qualifying group with plenty of points to spare. They are a solid, blue-collar team that no one wants to play. They’ll make it to the knock-out round.

Weaknesses: Instead of injecting youth and unpredictability, the Greeks are relying on the old guys who won Euro 2004. This team doesn’t have anyone who scares defenses. Also, if they have the same goalkeeper I think they have, it’s time to start sacrificing to Zeus to bless the usually solid defense.

Who to watch: I’ve read a little bit about left wing-back Vasilis Torosidis being an interesting package. Unfortunately for the Greeks, it’s not good when one of your most exciting offensive prospects is a fullback. I also remember watching a young Greek striker who had plenty of potential but he seems to be missing from this squad. In his absence, I’ll peg Ioannis Amantidis as a player to watch. Sort of.

Well, that just about does it for the preview. If you have trouble keeping score, I’ve picked Portugal, Turkey, Germany, Croatia, France, Romania, Spain and Greece to make the quarterfinals. I’ll go ahead and make two sets of predictions for the rest of the tournament. The first is from the heart:

Turkey over Germany; Portugal over Croatia; France over Greece; Romania over Spain; Turkey over Portugal; France over Romania; Turkey over France.

But here’s what will really happen:

Germany over Turkey; Portugal over Croatia; France over Greece; Spain over Romania; Germany over Portugal; Spain over France; Germany over Spain.

Every two years, sport snaps out of its summer doldrums to bring us a premier event. This year, the European Championships (what, you thought it was the Olympics?) imposes itself on American shores thanks to full coverage by the ESPN family of networks. The World Cup may be the greatest sporting championship in history but, in footballing circles, the European Championships does not lag far behind in prestige. I have a feeling we’ll have a fair share of drama (as always) and excitement (sometimes sorely missing) this time around.

If it weren’t for Sweden, we’d have a completely continental affair as all the English-speaking nations failed to qualify (England ignominiously, Scotland valiantly, the others weren’t close). There are at least six nations that have a strong claim to be the best in the continent and, unlike the World Cup, dark horses and strong underdogs do sometimes lift the trophy at the end (like Greece last time around and Denmark in 1992). The only downside are that the hosts (Switzerland and Austria) are unfavored to even make it to the knockout stages. But as Japan and South Korea showed in 2002, unfavored hosts can always spring surprises. Action kicks off June 7th.

This part has the previews for Groups A and B. Groups C and D to follow.

GROUP A

Portugal are the strong favorites in this group and have a good shot at winning it all. Led by Brazilian manager Big Phil Scolari, they have performed remarkably well in recent tournaments (runners-up in Euro 2004, semi-finals in WC 2006). Led by the super-talented but pouter extraordinaire Cristiano Ronaldo, the Portuguese have a potent set of attacking options and a solid defensive core.

Weaknesses: In the back and the front, the Portuguese are lacking. They don’t have a good striker, which puts pressure on their midfield maestros to score. Meanwhile, behind the defense, their goalkeeper Ricardo is laughable - on his good days.

Players to Watch: I’ve heard Porto winger Ricardo Quaresma is itching for a move abroad. He’s exciting and the desire for a big-money move should be great motivation for him to perform. I’ve also heard good things about Joao Moutinho so it’s worth keeping an eye on him.

While Portugal have come up with a perhaps more-talented group of players to replace their Golden Generation, the Czech Republic are on the wrong end of the pendulum after a few good years. Semi-finalists in Euro 2004, the Czechs have been trendy dark horse picks in many recent tournaments. It’s mainly on this reputation and a solid performance in a weak qualifying group that they’ve been picked by many to finish second. A senile squad and missing talisman Tomas Rosicky is why I’m not sailing in that boat.

Weaknesses: Age is a factor in tournaments at the end of a long season but perhaps a little over-emphasized. What’s more important for the Czechs is that they lack creativity and may have trouble creating goals.

Players to Watch: Here’s where I confess my ignorance. I don’t know many up-and-comers in the Czech squad so I have to go with giant striker Jan Koller (always interesting to watch) and goalkeeper Petr Cech, who, despite his reputation, has had an inconsistent season.

Hosts Switzerland come into the tournament with a lot of optimism. They have been nursing a young squad for several seasons and appearances in recent tournaments have been encouraging. They crashed out of WC 2006 even though they didn’t concede a single goal in four matches and expectations are high. The Swiss hope the home crowds will buoy them but I see a dissapointing first-round exit.

Weaknesses: Even though the defense was strong two years ago, I wonder if error-prone Phillipe Senderos and just-back-from-injury Patrick Muller will suffice to keep the goals out. Also, the Swiss have a problem at forward with Alexander Frei fresh off injury, Marco Streller disenchanted with fans and Blaise Nkufo out.

Players to watch: Tranquillo Barnetta is the midfielder who provides creativity to the team. I’ve also heard good things about youngster Eren Derdiyok (of Turkish lineage) who is supposed to be the next big thing in Swiss football. We’ll see if he gets a chance considering the striking problems.

After making the knock-out rounds in Euro 2000 and earning third place in WC 2002, Turkey seemed to be on the rise after decades in the wilderness. However, inconsistency has plagued the squad as they missed out on the next two tournaments via playoff losses (the second coming to Switzerland). Coaching legend Fatih Terim (who divides opinion like no one else in Turkey) brings the Turks back into a major tournament for the first time in six years. They have a wealth of midfield and attacking options that fit well into a possession attacking philosophy that is pleasing to watch. Not many people give them a chance but I see them through. I am biased after all.

Weaknesses: Inconsistency. They started strong in qualifying but after thrashing Greece 4-1 in Athens, everything fell apart until they put it together again in the last two matches. Also, the defense is a concern, with two central defenders prone to disastrous mistakes.

Players to watch: Nihat Kahveci has been in spectacular form in the Spanish League this year. Arda Turan is an exciting young player wanting to impress in search of a move to bigger leagues and Colin Kazim-Richards has speed and skill to spare coming off the bench.

GROUP B

Germany are the favorites in many bookmakers’ books. This is a team that qualified with utter ease from their group and has few weaknesses. There may not be many spectacular players or famous names on the squad but expect them to get all nine points and make a strong push to win the whole thing. They’re led by Michael Ballack, who had a strong second half of the season. Polish-born Miroslav Klose will score - he always does in international tournaments. Might be worth putting money on as top scorer.

Weaknesses: Goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has hardly played this year, is a roller-coaster when he does play and causes controversy always. Also, left-wing may be a problem if Joachim Low deploys over-rated striker Lukas Podolski there, although Bastian Schweinsteiger has fallen so far he’s not much better of a choice.

Players to watch: Mario Gomez has been knocking them in this year in the Bundesliga and I be excited to seem him in action for the first time. If you follow football closely, you may be sick of Jens Lehmann but I imagine his antics will be entertaining for casual fans.

In a meaningless game for them, Croatia went to England and won to end the last hope of British involvement in the summer tournament. That was an impressive win that capped an impressive qualifying campaign. Unfortunately, their best player - Eduardo da Silva - will be missing thanks to the horror broken leg he suffered a few months back. Still, they should have enough talent to get out of this group.

Weaknesses: I’m not really sure since I don’t know much about them. I’ve read that their attacking options are weak with Eduardo out so we’ll have to see where the goals come from. They’ve also had underwhelming warm-up games although I’m not sure why.

Players to watch: When Niko Kranjcar is on his game, he can be stunning to watch. He has greater responsibility in the Croatian squad so his skills should be on greater display. Luka Modric has received a lot of press recently with a big money move to Tottenham but they always overpay so we’ll see how good he really is. Manager Slaven Bilic says Mladen Petric is their third wizard so I guess he’s another guy to watch.

Poland is unfancied but I wouldn’t be surprised if they break through from this group. They finished first in a qualifying group that included Portugal, Finland, Serbia and Belgium, which shows a quality and depth I didn’t know they had. They rarely do well in international tournaments and rarely play well against Germany so there are two things against them. I have no idea what else to say about them.

Weaknesses: I don’t know any strengths and I don’t know any weaknesses either so let’s just skip this part and you can do a google search on them.

Players to watch: Ebi Smolarek is a pretty good striker who has skills and an eye for goal. I don’t know anyone else on that team besides the keepers.

If hosts Austria were in a qualifying group, I wouldn’t peg them to finish higher than fourth. As it is, the honor of co-hosting the tournament also gives them the shock of participating in it. The question is not whether they will reach the knock-out round - they will not - but how many points they can earn and if they can spare themselves from embarrassment. I don’t know much about them besides the fact that they are bad and have been bad for several years but perhaps a surprise is in order.

Weaknesses: They are bad and have lost to bad teams in warm-up friendlies.

Players to watch: I did a little bit of digging and found the name Andreas Ivanschitz. He was described as nifty and that could be a good thing. We’ll see.

Actually, this is about assistants to the Executive Assistant DA. You know, the female assistant to Jack McCoy. It’s just that ‘Assistant to the Executive Assistant DA’ is quite a mouthful to put into a post title. Anyway, I’m of the television-watching camp that thinks Jack McCoy is one of the greatest creations of modern fictional media. But McCoy would be nothing without his trusty assistants. So here’s a return to the popular Top Four subject with a listing of my favorites. Since there are only so many to choose from, this is a true ranking from best to fourth-best.

As always with the Top Four, I don’t use any sort of scientific metric. For this ranking, I do consider things like screen presence, attractiveness, relationship with McCoy and so on but at the end of the day I just choose what I feel like choosing.

1. Jamie Ross (Carey Lowell)

Despite the short haircut, she had the eyes and the independence that made her my favorite. I love the way she carries herself.

2. Serena Southerlyn (Elisabeth Rohm)

She used to be my favorite but recent viewings (I watch a lot of Law and Order, it’s on TNT a lot during the day) have shifted my allegiance to Jamie Ross. Still, I like Serena’s naivety and the way she looks in non-work clothes. She also has that classic episode where she gets fired and, out of nowhere, reveals she’s gay.

3. Alexandra Borgia (Annie Parisse)

I always felt like she was a little overmatched compared to the assistants but I enjoyed watching her. She had a lot of thoughtful things to say - you know, the type of conversations where Law and Order tries to get all philosophical. I was a bit shocked by her violent ending (which led to one of the most implausible legal efforts ever).

4. Abbie Carmichael (Angie Harmon)

Now we’re getting into the second tier but that’s okay, this is a top four. Abbie Carmichael, she of the husky voice, comes in fourth. I don’t have much to say about her.

The two not on the list are alright but just don’t cut it. Claire Kincaid suffers mostly because her outfits are terrible. Weird thing to say but I can’t get over that mid-90s look. She did have a heartbreaking death, though. Connie Rubirosa suffers because I haven’t watched her as much. She needs more time to develop a personality.

Man, the more I think about this, the stupider this post seems. This is a really random thing to write about and smacks of shallow fandom, but whatever. I do watch a lot of Law and Order, and I’ve seen a lot of episodes lately. Maybe I’ll do a top four mathematical equations or a top four pork products soon to balance things out. Of course, I’m just as likely to do a top four Star Trek characters. Actually, let’s just get that out of the way now. In order: Data, Picard, Riker, Geordi. Honorable mention: Dr. Crusher and Worf. Now that’s a great show.

Most people are terrible drivers. They think the road is all theirs and that the written rules are the only rules. They’re oblivious to other drivers and are surprised when even the mildly unexpected happens. If they just realized and utilized the unwritten rules of driving, everyone would be much happier. A lot of it boils down to paying attention but here are some of those guidelines you won’t find in the DMV book.

1. Slower Traffic Keep Right.

Many interstates actually post this on periodic signs but since people don’t pay attention or their reading skills are lacking, it is a directive that is blissfully ignored. Usually (but not always) slow left-laners get the message at night with a heavy dose of high beams but for some reason a procession of cars passing them on the right doesn’t register. These mindless buffoons have been the most frequent targets of my driving diatribes.

Corollary: Trucks Keep Right.

Trucks should never be in the left lane for cruising or for passing. Actually, the best place for trucks would be a separate road. The New Jersey Turnpike actually does this: the best idea to ever come out of the Garden State.

2. Don’t Brake.

If I didn’t have such a sore spot for slow left-laners, this would be the first listing. I can’t believe how much unnecessary braking that takes place. Switching lanes. Looking for streets. Crossing intersections (on a green light). Entering tunnels. Light rain. People don’t seem to understand that you can do many of these things without slowing down; or, if slowing down is necessary, it can be done without braking. Braking causes accidents, interstate platoons and trickle-down backup.

Corollary: Rain has negligible momentum.

I was reminded of this corollary driving home tonight at the regular time but with an extra mile or so of backup. The same phenomenon presented itself the other day. The common factor: dark skies and light showers. Torrential downpours are one thing but if you’re changing your driving habits - that is, slowing down and braking more - because of a little rain, get off the road.

3. Go with the Flow.

The safest speed is not the speed limit but the speed of the flow of traffic. If everyone is going 70 MPH on a 55 MPH road, it’s safer to drive faster. Otherwise, you’re a rock amongst the rapids. That’s bad for everyone. This one’s obvious but so often broken by older folk cursing us more reasonable drivers as irresponsible whippersnappers.

4. Turn Down the Lights.

Headlights bother me at night but I got used to it a while ago. Then they had to get these new types of headlights that are basically high beams in neon white. And some people use fog lights with nary a cloud in the sky. If you need such bright lights to see the road in normal conditions, get off the road.

5. Don’t Block the Box.

I’m not talking about blocking intersections with signals. That’s already taken care of by cameras. I’m talking about intersections without signals. If traffic is heavy and not moving, don’t block an intersection for potential left-turners. It’s just bad form and you wouldn’t want someone to do that for you. They call that karma.